El Paso, Texas, Tuesday Night

[weldedtomyspine]

"Have I mentioned how much I like that dress?" Jaime asked with a grin as he held the door open for Momoko. Because he did. Not that he didn't like Momoko in lots of things, but some dresses just... really worked for her.

"Also, I hope this place is good. I mean, the reviews say it is, but I haven't been here before."

He took a moment to exchange a few words with the hostess about their reservation.

"But if they aren't the best Italian place you've been to this year, don't blame me, okay?"

Comments

[heromaniac]

"Yeah." He probably wouldn't like the look he saw there, because Momoko was realizing a few things and she was feeling very conflicted and upset about them.

They weren't married. They weren't ready. She knew that and would totally be the first to admit it. But if it wasn't this month then didn't that mean they would never have Elena? That whole future where everyone, all of them, they were all so happy and... well, a family. She'd wanted that.

[weldedtomyspine]

"Yeah," he repeated, forcing himself to take that expression in, no matter how much he might have wanted to close his eyes.

Then, softly: "Sorry."

[heromaniac]

"No! I'm sorry." She reached for his hand. "I shouldn't be thinking things like this. We've talked about it before; that's... that's not us. I'm still not good at thinking like that so..."

She managed a weak smile. "It just hurts really really a lot, you know?"

[weldedtomyspine]

"Yeah." Jaime squeezed her fingers gently. "I know you sort of wanted something like that."

He stared down at their joined hands. "Maybe if I hadn't done the dental school thing."

It's not like he couldn't have gotten a different job instead.

[heromaniac]

"Nnn. Their dad was a dentist, remember?" And now her hurting was not only making him hurt but making him regret his life choices. That made her feel even worse!

"And I didn't want something like that." She rubbed her forehead with her free hand, not wanting to admit this. It made her sound so stupid. But she needed to make him understand it wasn't his fault. "I wanted that. I thought that was the path we were on. Even after all the other futures and all our talks... Everything else seemed to be there. Kayla and Nommy are both born. Dinah and Priestly finally got together, so Lena is totally possible now. You and I are... " Her blush deepened and her hand tightened around his.

"Everyone a big happy family, together. It didn't hurt as much to let go of the futures that weren't totally everything that I wanted."

[weldedtomyspine]

Jaime had to swallow, but it didn't seem to help, so he reached for his drink with his free hand and took a long swallow. "Maybe... maybe I should have told you sooner." If, you know, he'd remembered.

"We could have, I don't know... figured something out?" If he'd known it had been that important to her, he could have... done something.

[heromaniac]

That got him a questioning look. "When would that have been? We only just started... sleeping together, remember?"

"And besides," she took a breath. "We've never even talked about how you feel about kids, let alone about Elena and her family. You didn't like Alberto, if I remember."

[weldedtomyspine]

Jaime shook his head in quick denial.

"That's not true," he said. "It's not that I didn't like him. I just... it's hard to imagine me as a father."

He licked his lips. "Scary."

[heromaniac]

"Oh. Dinah and Karla said something about you two fighting."

"Scary? What does that mean?" She paused, then added: "It sounds different from my 'I'm not ready'."

[weldedtomyspine]

"Well, I mean..." Jaime didn't find it easy to put into words.

"What if I'm no good at it?"

[heromaniac]

Momoko thought about that for a moment, but finally shook her head. "I still don't think I understand. Not good at what?"

[weldedtomyspine]

"You know." Jaime waved his hand in a sort of vague helplessness.

"Being a father."

[heromaniac]

"So are you saying you don't want to have kids because you don't know how to be a good dad?"

[weldedtomyspine]

"No." He shook his head. "I mean, I think... I think I do want them? Kids, I mean. Some day."

"But." He clenched his fist. "What if I screw it up?"

[heromaniac]

"You can't; that's my job!" She actually paled. "I can't even make breakfast right, remember?" Stupid eggs.

"And I always sleep too long and watch too much tv and spend too much money on action figures, cake, and dvds! You're the one who's good at everything and makes sure stuff gets done and that everyone is okay. You even know sports and math! You're going to be the best parent ever!"

[weldedtomyspine]

Jaime blinked, then snorted and shook his head. "You're the bravest person I know," he said softly, sounding completely serious. "And you care so much. Give all of yourself in everything you do." Another headshake. "I don't think I can come even close to that."

[heromaniac]

"You always seem to make it sound like you're some unfeeling mecha and I'm a magical fairy." Momoko smiled gently as she thoughtlessly playing with the sugared rim of her drink. "Elena was my first. Just when I... I thought I had convinced myself it was fine that no kids ever showed up for me."

"The night before... You remember you went to that dance with me? That was like a dream come true and supposed to be enough. But then the next morning a little girl stops at my door, looks at me with the same sincere brown eyes I'd been hopelessly in love with for over a year, and calls me mama."

Momoko gently pressed her finger against the rim, now, and titled her glass slightly. She wasn't crying, but there was a shimmer in her eyes. "I guess she was a kind of proof, you know? Really the dream come true."

[weldedtomyspine]

"And now it's just a dream?" Jaime asked gently. He still sounded apologetic about it, like he was somehow responsible. Or at least like he should have been able to do something about it.

[heromaniac]

"Nnn. My dreams don't come with utility bills, double shifts on the weekends, or leaking showerheads that a certain boyfriend keeps forgetting to fix," she teased, letting her glass settle back to the table. "It's a wonderful reality, Jaime. I totally wouldn't trade it. Not even for Elena's world. This is us; that part I totally agree with you on."

"It's just hard to let her go. It feels a little like... like..." Hmm.

[weldedtomyspine]

"A little like?" Jaime prompted, watching Momoko's face intently, even as a gentle smile tugged at his lips at the use of the word 'wonderful'.

[heromaniac]

"I don't know how to say it." She mused a moment over both her feelings and her inability to explain them. "Saying 'like she never existed' doesn't sound right. Saying 'like she's died' isn't right either, though."

Yes. She went there. He had to have been expecting that, right?

"Something that had been filled inside me, something I'd been looking forward to... No. Someone I was expecting to meet... she's not going to be there. Because of me and my decisions. But she's not hurt and she's happy, I know that. Just... I won't be able to see her."

A happy sad empty wanting feeling, Jaime.

[weldedtomyspine]

Jaime felt like he understood that. Mostly. He started to nod, a sudden thought caused him to still.

"What if she visits again?" he asked, not sure what he'd do if that happened.

[heromaniac]

Momoko... hadn't thought of that.

"I... hadn't thought of that."

See?

"It would be different, I think. I mean, I would love her just as much; I still do. I love all of my kids." She totally did. Even Boaz, who'd come from Umbridge!world and meant she'd somewhere lived that horrible painful existence for real. And JJ, who meant she would someday lose both Jaime and a daughter somehow. "But I think that this, this makes it clear that she... isn't ours."

[weldedtomyspine]

Jaime nodded. "Yeah."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Would you be mad at me if I told you I never thought she was? I mean... even if we had a girl named Elena, she wouldn't be that one, you know?"

[heromaniac]

"You never seemed to connect with any of them. I know I totally over-did, but you always stayed so detached. I thought it was just because of how you see all the alternate time lines stuff."

"Why would you think I'd be mad?" She frowned at that. "And... you wouldn't mind naming daughter Elena?"